Moments in the Spotlight

It's been a very long week.  My volunteer job at the theatre is more than I could have imagined.  It's been incredibly challenging.  Not just mentally and physically, but emotionally as well.

When you work backstage, you are the unseen force that makes the show happen.  You are rarely seen.  There is no green room for you to gather in.  You have to be their early and stay there late.  Let's face it, you're lucky if your name even appears in the program.

But backstage is my love.  I love the challenge.  There is a plan for you to follow, but you have to be prepared for the unexpected.  You need to be able to problem solve and deal with the actors who are all convinced that their individual needs are the most important at any given time. 

I also grow very attached to my crew.  These unsung heroes are willing to do whatever it takes to make sure everything goes smoothly.  And at the end of the night, while the actors are receive applause and receiving praise from the audience members, the crew members are resetting the stage for the next night without any recognition.

The career I've chosen is not unlike my theatre experience.  The work I do is for the success of others.  I put my heart and soul into all I do and hope they get the praise and applause they deserve while I cheer them on from the background.  It gives me tremendous joy.

That being said, we all need to have our little moments in the spotlight.  Every once in a while, we need to know our efforts are appreciated.  It really doesn't take much.  A simple thank you.  An extra smile.  A unexpected surprise.  It's truly the little things that matter.

Random encounters with others could be the moment where you make a difference.   It could be that little spark that reminds them that what they do matters.  It could be that moment where they feel like what they do isn't taken for granted.  It could a small moment for them to be in the spotlight.  And who knows--maybe someone is out there waiting to do the same for you

Stepping Outside the Comfort Zone

I like my comfort zone.  It makes me feel, well, comfortable.  To a certain extent, I know what to expect and how I will react.  I like that.  But, it's important to take those little steps outside of that zone every now and then.  A person like me doesn't have to step far.

 Last night, I had my co-workers over for happy hour.  I know.  Having people over.  Big deal.  But for me, it was a very big deal.  Due to a strange living situation, I was unable to have anyone over to my home for several years.  After buying my own house, I discovered that I had forgotten how to interact with people in my space.  I spent way too much time worrying about details that just don't matter.  I finally took the leap and hosted a gathering.  Those imperfections and the worries in my mind went away.  My house was filled with laughter and conversation.  It was quite a rewarding experience.

Today I spent my day at our local community theatre.  I've spent so many hours there over the past three years, but this was different.  We are in a new building with so many new elements that I know nothing about.  I was unsure about volunteering this time around. I was worried that my limited skills were not enough for the new space.  In many ways, I was right.  Those skills weren't enough.  But 11 hours later, I have new skills.  I even managed to climb up on the grid of wires hanging high above the stage and walk around despite my fear of heights. 

It's amazing how taking even the smallest steps outside my comfort zone can produce such a feeling of confidence.  Those baby steps can be scary, but they can also be empowering.  They challenge you.  They help you figure out what to do when those feelings of fear and anxiety creep into your life, just on a slightly smaller scale.  They are reminders that you really are capable of more than you think. 

So, I'll be taking those positive feelings I've gained from my little venture outside my comfort zone and going to bed.  After all, I'll be preparing a meal and hosting my family at my house tomorrow.

Baby steps?  Yes.  But everyone has to start somewhere.

Today....

Today....

I spent a little time at my part time job.
I spent time in the sun doing yard work on a beautiful day.
I took a short nap.
I had my eyes checked.
I spent time on my deck watching the birds.
I took myself to dinner.
I spent the evening volunteering at one of my favorite places.

Today....

I worked, I played, I rested.
I didn't worry about what didn't get done.
I took pleasure in small joys.
I was good to myself.

Today was a good day.

Finding the Balance

Yes, this year was an emotional year.  But along with the lowest of lows, I also got to experience the highest of highs as well.

I am in the unique position of having dual roles.  I get to spend the majoritiy of my day with young children, but I also get to teach a theatre class to our oldest students.  Oh my goodness!  It is truly a rewarding experience!

But it is also very time consuming.  So much time is devoted to maximizing the experience for my theatre students.  Scripts, lighting, sound, costumes, props, scenery--it all takes time.  Somehow, I managed to pull off four one act plays and one musical with my theatre kids.  All of this while teaching kindergarten. 

So while riding the emotional roller coaster that was our school year, I completely wore myself out.  As soon as school was out, my body just shut down.  It had had enough with long days with little sleep.  My body had decided it was time to take over.  Multiple naps became the norm for me.  No matter how many naps I had during the day, I was still ready to go to bed at night.  It was crazy!  I'm down to a single nap a day now and trying to cut that down even further.  I have a feeling that's going to take some time.

But I'm left with a bigger question.  How do you find a balance?  I've looked at things and realized I can't give anything up.  The things I pour myself into are the things I love the most.  I can't scale back my efforts.  I don't know how to give less than 100% to anything. 

I also realize that my body's reaction (and it's more than the sleep issue) is a wake up call of sorts.  I know I spend too much time thinking, creating, and problem solving.  I know I need to find that all important downtime.  But how do you do that?  How do you make yourself and your personal needs a priority when you know so many are depending on you?  How do you shut off that subconscious mind that overpowers your efforts to rest and relax to the point that it wake you up at two in the morning?

The search is on for answers to these questions, but I'm not sure the answers exist for me.  Somewhere along the line, I've become hardwired to be the person I am.  I've been trying to solve problems and take care of others since I was 12.  I'm good at it.  People, including myself, expect it from me.  Frankly, I don't know any other way to be.

I was told by someone in authority that I needed to stop solving everyone's problems.  The people around me are college educated people.  It isn't my job to fix things or run interference.  I need to let them solve their problems without me.

Two minutes later, I was asked to problem solve for something beyond my responsibilities.  And later, I was asked to run interference between people.  See my dilemma???

I realize the beginning of this post doesn't necessarily match the ending.  But maybe it doesn't have to. So much of this year and the current path I'm on is a series of conflicting events and emotions.  That's the irony of life.  Do what you love, but don't do it too much.  Give your all, but have time for yourself.  Be yourself, but consider how you can change/improve yourself.  This is what you are doing wrong, but please continue to do it when it benefits others.

Is it any wonder that I'm utterly confused..........

Garden Therapy

One of the tremendous challenges of this year has been the amount of death I have encountered.  So many good people who touched my life in a variety of ways passed away after battling cancer.

While you know in your head that you have to say goodbye, your heart just can't let go.  It aches for the pain they have been through.  It cries for the memories left undone.  It absolutely breaks for the loss of yet another special person now absent from your life.

First to go was the husband of a co-worker.  A kind, wonderful man who had a sense of calmness and contentment with him at all time.  He was a man who could teach you about the joy of life just by allowing to look into his face. 

24 hours later, we had to let go of a fellow teacher.  This teacher who's laughter, spirit, and sense of faith are still with me in so many ways.  She started the year off with us, went to a doctor's appointment, and never came back. 

In all the craziness, I pushed those feelings back.  After all, I had a classroom of small children and a group of 60 kids in an after school theatre program depending on me.  I had to keep it together for them.  I would deal with the emotions later.

But before I could begin the process of digging out, I was notified via Facebook that my paternal grandmother was in the hospital and had days to live.  Due to family complications, I had virtually no contact with my grandmother or the rest of the family.  Tremendous amounts of guilt added to the emotional toll.  Of course, the emotional toll would have to wait just a little bit longer.  I added it to the mountain of emotions growing within me.

Two weeks later, school was over and I was prepared for the tidal wave waiting to descend upon me, but life had one more surprise.  My sister-in-law's mother passed way two weeks to the day of my grandmother's passing.  This woman, oh I can't even begin to explain her!  She was pure heart!  The debt I owe this woman is simply beyond words.

And that's when the overwhelming emotional wave hit.  No more excuses.  No more pushing it away.  It was here.  My heart was so dark and heavy.  I simply didn't know what to do.  Somehow, I ended up outside.  Armed with my shovel, I got into the dirt.  I dug and I dug and I dug.  I would go out first thing in the morning in pajamas not caring who saw me.  I would leap off the couch in the evening just to dig one more hole.  Sometimes I smiled.  Sometimes I cried.  I just knew it was something I had to do.  This overwhelming need to put plants and flowers into the ground just consumed me.  This then led to a need to feed every bird I could see.  One bird feeder has grown to five in my not so big back yard. 

I didn't get it at the time.  Maybe I still don't truly get it.  But it was as if all this gardening was my own personal therapy.  After all the death I had encountered, maybe I needed life around me in whatever form I could.  I know not every plant is going to make it.  I know that many of these flowers will die at the end of the season.  But I needed to go through this process.  I needed to deal with the deaths in my life.  This was the way my subconscious finally took control forced me to confront the wall of emotions I had pushed away for so long.

I now have a yard full of flowers and birds to care for and enjoy.  I also have more lightness in my heart.  I still ache for those people who are gone, but the memories they have left are so much stronger than the feelings of hurt and anger. 

And I was able to go to my favorite greenhouse and leave without taking a single flower with me.  To me, that's progress.

On a Quest

My journey to this point is not all that different from others in the world.  It's been filled with ups and downs, peaks and valleys.  Somehow, I've always managed to work hard, push through, and come out on the other side. 

But this year has been different.  I've met challenges and low points unlike those I've encountered before.  And while those looking at me see a person who has come out on the other side, I'm still pushing through on the inside.

These things weighing me down are minor to the challenges that some are facing, but they are so very real in my heart.  They make me question who I am and the choices I make.  But they also force me to look deep within myself and realize that only I can change those things that make me unhappy. 

I am fortunate to be in a job that allows me a little downtime for self reflection/improvement.  In the past, I have chosen a theme for my summer.  This summer is The Quest to Find My Sparkle.  Because somewhere in the last year, I lost something.  It's that something that pushes me on when I want to give up.  It's that something that comes from my heart instead of my head.  It's that something that is so indescribable that I can only refer to it as "my sparkle." 

So that is my goal.  To simply find my sparkle again.  It's going to be challenge.  I'm going to have to face those things I've chosen to push away.  I'm going to have relearn so many things.  But, in the end, I'm going to come out on the other side.

And when I do,  I'll be sparkling once again!